Leaderboard

Well well well, where has this handsome and popular man been for so long? In fact I have been on somewhat of a spiritual journey on another world called “Earth”. It is a very different place from Gielinor. Experience rates and leveling is slow, the graphics are very amazing, money making is tiresome and tedious and most combat is illegal. But enough about my boring adventures there, as you all might wonder why I, the renowned and very humble Haxorze, conqueror of continents, slayer of legendary and dangerous beasts, master of the fine arts, prince of miscellania and honorable reveler to the fremennik clans, master of the archeology guild, diplomat of the known kingdoms, envoy of Zaros and World Guardian, has returned to you in this time of need. To be honest, I was just feeling a little bored. When I first returned to Gielinor I found myself in the Grand Exchange. I remember when they used to call me the wolf of Grand Exchange, but that is a story for another time. I walked over to my economic advisor Stefphen, and got told my bank was overfilled because I had lost my membership privileges due to inactivity. Rude, but fear not, I peer pressured my biggest idol Aaros into buying me a golden symbol to trade in for a few days of temporary benefits. I was finally back, and the very world trembled with anticipation of it. First on my agenda was to check in on how the large scale invasion from the elder gods had fared. As the world was still worlding, I assumed the war was over and we had one. But to my surprise everything in the cathedral was still just like when I left. These powerful gods don't seem to be able to do anything if I'm not around. As soon as I got there Zamorak just decided he was bored after having been left there for almost two years, and he left. He is very quirky and not like the other gods. Him leaving leaves the eggs more vulnerable and obviously that's my problem now, and I have to fix it. I might need some help with this one, so maybe I should go to the duel arena to hire some very legit and trustworthy mercenaries to assist me. What do you mean the duel arena is no more? It exploded? And there is now an oasis there with crocodiles and scarabs? And some sort of artifact that Zamorak's son stole? That's why all this is happening? Fine, I’ll settle for whoever is available to assist I guess. I head outside to get some fresh air. Outside Moia is waiting for me and hastily tells me that the city of Senntisten is under attack by TzekHaars. I call shenanigans, as I was just there and saw no one attacking anything, oh, she’s right, there they are. I politely tell them to go home, and Zuk decides to come up from his sewer hideout to get my autograph. Armadyl also wants one, so they start fighting each other. Perfect, I’ll just wait inside the cathedral with the blue man, the crystal tyrant and my bestest friend, Azzanadra. Saradomin is surprised that I'm hanging out with his daughter, Adrasteia, and so am I. Turns out Moia has followed me and brought a friend, thas just so happens to be the daughter of a god. It looks like it is bringing your child to church day. As it turns out, every faction of the elder gods has decided to strike an attack at once. If only someone had dealt with them earlier… I go to the graveyard and put Croesus to sleep, melt the arch-glacor’s troops with the help of global warming and use a canon to blow up the entire western side of the city. As all this happens, Seren just takes the eggs and teleports away. Saradomin makes an excuse for not wanting to deal with her, and sends me to find her. If only I had someone who could help me. Why is Moia and Adrasteia looking at me with puppy eyes? Fiiiine, you can come with me, but we are also bringing the lizardman. The first place we look for Seren is in some forsaken laboratory on dinosaur island. They have to smuggle me in, because my banishment is still not over. We talk to the mad scientist that lives in the lab, who also happens to be a clone of Kerapac. Wow, everyone is bringing their kids into this quest. He was of no use, but now he is also following us on our search. Very long hide and seek session made short: We use the world gate to travel to a crystal forest, Guthix’s summer cabin and dragon mountain. Every time Kerapac is also there due to time travel and plot reasons. We decide to go to Freneskae, the most obvious choice, and there Seren is. It’s always in the last place you look. We talk for a bit and I find out everyone is getting sick due to some portal from Erebus that acts like poison, but somehow I am immune. I bravely volunteer to enter the portal and after getting lost in a pocket dimension for what seems like forever I return to the exact same time I left from. Jas suddenly appears in front of us, but before she can ask for my autograph both Kerapac and some monstrosity from Erebus swoops in and they all die. It was an accident, I promise. We once again try to convince Seren that she should just give up, but she has gotten obsessed with the eggs and thinks they are her children. Hannibus the lizard briefly mentions his home planet, and Seren teleports there to hatch the eggs, destroy the planet and eventually the universe. Quest complete? Alright… I will follow her. We make our way to Iaia, convince all, well almost all, of the people there to leave, and I decide to battle Seren. We are so equally matched that she just gives up and decides to hatch the eggs, dooming the entire world we are on. I hurry over to the exit portal. And in a very shocking twist that no one would ever foresee, Moia decides to destroy the portal leaving me behind to die. I somehow survive, don’t ask me how, I have no idea, and I don’t care. Seren also survives, and she very willingly (I promise) to stay behind on the barren planet as I head back to Gielinor to get my rewards. This is just the start of my recent adventures, and I will continue to update you with my very precise and accurate retellings of them. In the next episode we will see if we can discover why Zamorak left, and also why nobody did anything while I was gone.