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Haxorze and the descent into madness


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Very good story, made me laugh

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  • 4 months later...

Hello again! 

After a long deserved vacation from Gielinor, I was back with a vengance! Without hesitation I made my way over to my enabler, Laniakea.
We did our usual deal where she would point me in a general direction and give me an arbitrary number of specific creatures to kill. In return I would get some made up "points" that I could use to say no to some of her silly requests.

But this time was different. I was out for blood. No task would be to small, no creatures would feel the mercy of the mighty Haxorze, and his broad array of  special weapons and tactics. I blindly followed her every command, laying countless of mostly defenceless beasts to rest. During my genocide I was sent to a grove that someone missplaced. Probably on purpose, because here even a tree is able to kill you. But it was not trees I had my sights on, it was rather some small and annoying rock boys.


So anyways, I started blasting my magic. Over a hundered of them met their demise, until one of them dropped something. It was a small creature made of stone, but he looked nothing like the golems I had killed here. Curious, I picked him up from the ground. He was shaking with fear as he laid his eyes upon me. I asked him why he was there, hiding among a different species than what he seemed to be. Reluctantly he explained to me that he had to flee after his entire family of gargoyles were killed by some lunatic. I was shook. Who could do such a... OH.... OH GOD!

I carried the creature with me to the desert. On the way there he told me his name was Crabbe, and that he wished to explore the world with a renowned adventurer. I didn't say much for the entire journey. But as we arrived in the sandfilled wasteland, I brought him to the top of some cliffs. "Everything the light touches, can be yours to explore." I said calmly. As he gazed over the wast nothingnes I made a firm grip around my rock hammer. "A promise, is a promise..." I said before I gave it a desicive swing. "I'm sorry, kid".



Long story short: 
Don't make promises with Moridin!

On 5/26/2020 at 11:34 PM, Haxorze said:

My next victim of the destroy function will be Crabbe, the Harry Potter refrence pet, if I do recieve him before 150m slayer xp (Thanks Mori)


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Absolutely howling at the narrative Hax, well worth the read mate!!  I do so love being the villain of the piece 😄

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Let me tell you the story of how I finally got my hands on the legendary Mining master cape. YES! I always planned to tell you this as a tale from my past, and it's not because I just forgot to update you. Don't judge me!


It was a cold and harsh November night in the year 2020. Not unlike this night, as I live in Norway and we only know how to make winter weather and salmon. I was sitting at my usual spot in the corner of The Blue Moon Inn wondering how I would steal the cape from the mining guild. My good pal, who would never view me as an enemy, Azzanadra called me up on my Com orb v2.

"Oi, Haxorze, whatcha doing?"
"Ah. you know, just planning a heist."
"Yo! You should totally come plan it over at my place! My Zaros isn't home."

Well, I could not turn down such an offer, so I hurried over to Azzanadra faster than I've ever hurried before. "We would need some help to pull this off." Azzanadra was leaning over the perfect drawing I had made of the mining guild. "We need a distraction and/or diversion. Someone they would not suspect to be doing foul play. Like another dwarf." I stood up. "Say no more my friend forever, I know a guy!"

The not so forgettable tale of a drunken dwarf

I had no idea where I would find my new recruit for the heist of a lifetime, but I figured out Keldagrim would be good place to start looking. About ten or so steps from Azzanadras place, I spotted something laying on the side of the road. Could it be? "Howdy there pal! Ye know what day it is?" The drunken dwarf looked up at me with an empty gaze. "No, I do not I'm affraid. But however, I do have an offer that you could possible refuse. I have a stack of 129 dwarven stouts in my bank wich can be yours if you help me break into the mining guild to steal some cloth. What do you say, Clark?" I streched out my hand to help him up from the ground. "Me name's not Clark!" He said and shook his head. "But I can't say nay to some fine ale. Count me in" Wow, doing heists are pretty easy! I followed Clarence back to Azzanadra to continue our planning. 

The muscle

"Alright, we got our distraction. But there will still be some guards that won't be drawn away by it. We need someone who can help you sneak past them." Azzanadra pointed at some random locations on my map. "It would have to be someone we know are able to sneak in undetected, but that also are capable of taking out any treats quickly if things go wrong. Preferably from range. We should also think of someone who is not bound by their loyalty to any of the gods present on Gielinor." Azzanadra was right! And I knew who! "This is someone you have encountered before. A former bandosian. Za..." "Graardor!" I interupted. "I'm sorry, what?" Azzanadra looked confused. "If I'm going to be in danger of getting compromised I'm bringing a 5 meter tall piece of pure muscle." "Fine.."
I called up Graardor on my Com orb. "Hello mr. General. I need your help to steal a cape. If you help me I promise to not try to kill you for at least 2 weeks." Graardor answered: "GRAAAAR". Nice! He was in!

Our way in

"Alright. All we need now is a way to get inside without drawing suspicion to ourselves. As you have showed a complete lack of critical thinking, Haxorze, I have decided to recruit our last member. He is a master salesman from the desert, Ali." Azzanadra said. "Wich Ali is it?" I asked. "The one who didn't change his name in February." As he said that a strange man walked in. "My plans simplicity is also it's beauty." He said. "I'm Ali Morrisane. Famous trader, and I'll help you enter the mining guild under the presumption that you are there to sell rare minerals. As Azzanadra and myself start to make our deal, our short friend will make a scene to draw the attention towards himself. At that point, Haxorze and his chosen companion will slip away and steal the treasure while we make up a coverstory for your sudden dissapearance." After Ali was done explaining the plan, I was now the proud owner of four buckets and a knife. "But to make it seem as legit as possible, we would need a rare minaral only you can get your hands on Haxorze. The currupted ore!" Ali looked at me. "Can you get that for us?"

The final piece of the puzzle

I was back in the elven city, and made my way over to Lady Trahaearn to ask if she had any corrupt ore I could get. "Oh sweetie, I can't just hand you the ore for free". I tried to explain to her that I was the one that reopened the city, saved the elves from some shadow and helped them put Seren back together. "Back in my day that was just a normal tuesday. Now stop bothering me with your silly requests". Fine, so I would just have to mine some ore myself. How hard could that be? I grabbed my pickaxe from the bank and started to swing it at the rocks. Whats this? Fireworks? Out of nowhere a handful of dwarves popped up and congratulated me on achieving the rank of master miner. They even offered to give me a cape for the low price of 120 thousand gold pieces. 

So there I stood. After having planned the greatest robbery known to man, all it took was some mining to get what I wanted. I feel robbed! I will find an excuse to steal from you one day dwarves!


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  • 3 weeks later...
  • 1 month later...

Hello again! Have you missed me? Please say yes...
What has happened in the eventful life of Haxorze recently, you might wonder. Well, worry no longer, let me tell you trough my prefered medium; very down to earth documentary styled recap.

After having spent a few months traveling the world of Gielinor punching wildlife, demons and demigods into submition using only my fist and alos powerfull weapons, i heard a faith buzzing from my backpack. It was my best friend in the entire world, Azzanadra, that was calling me on my ComOrb. With me having the attention span of a puppy, which in fact are very, very cute and fluffy. Especially when they are running around! Wait... Where was I? Oh, Azzanadra! To paraphrase what he said, he mention something about the mining guild, it having been months since I left, and I'm pretty sure I heard Graardor in the background. Weird that they are hanging together. Azzanadra said to come see him at Seren's grand castle in Burthorpe, as he needed my help, and he made sure to tell me that I owed him for something about a dwarf. I have no idea what he is talking about, but I'm not someone that leaves my best friend waiting, so i agreed!

At the council meeting Seren has held for over a year now, Azzy pulled me aside and told me story about some eggs and elderly gods. This has all the signs of a quest! And I bet Saradomin is part of it, as he has white hair, and therefor must be one of the elderly gods. Azzanadra told me to meet him at Freneskae, the worst vacation spot I have ever seen. There we traveled along the road to the old halls, or I traveled, whilst Azzanadra mockingly teleported around and just stood there waiting for me as I got hit by lightning over and over. I'm sure he has a logical explaination to why he couldn't teleport me as well, he would never want to hurt and/or betray me. Upon entering the halls of the old, we met no other than Ariane Grande. She told me about Xenia, who is also old. Hmm, the plot thickens! Or is she dead? I can't remember.

Azzy and Ariane told me to train my divination skill, and honestly, when else am I going to do it? Azzy gave me a blank observation and told me to make it not blank by collecting the memories of some gods. Easy as that I just did it, and handed it proudly over to my firend. He fumbled around with it for a few minutes, as Ariane constantly asked if he had tried to turn it off and on again. "How do you expect me to restart an ancient artefact?" His voice sounded annoyed, but also determined. Ariane grabbed the thing, and pushed the big power button on it's back. It's okay Azzy, I did not notice it either... Ariane had a vision, and stood there staring blankly into the wall for about 30 minutes. As she returned to us she looked scared beyond belief. "They.. They are going to destroy Gielinor!" She gasped for air. I'm so glad you are finally cathing on with literally everyone else, Ariane! This was a waste of our time, let's go do something fun!

Azzanadra and Ariane left me behind as they traveled to Kharid-Et to discuss things, and sent me to Falador to meet up with Trindine. Wait, did i forget to mention that Trindine is in this adventure, and I also forgot to mention who Trindine is? Long story short, she was trapped inside a vault for a very long time, and now she is not trapped, there we're all up to speed! Our mission was to steal Saradomins crown, but he was not home. So I found my old friend Owen, and peer pressured him into helping me ask everyone in the castle until they finally called big blue man back. Saradomin actually seemed happy to see me, weird... I told him that the world was in danger, that Seren was acting like a tyrant, somehow this involved some eggs, and that I wanted to lend his crown. He said no, the crown wasn't a tradable item, so we had to return to Kharid-Et empty handed.

Azzanadra was not pleased with my failure, so I blamed Trindine for it. He decied to send us out on yet another mission together, because surely out of the four of us, me and her are of course the pair with the best track record of getting things done together. We traveled to the hall of memories and I got to read Guthix diary, probably not important. Then to the city of the lavamen, who had an argument, probably not important. And lastly to the wizards tower, definately not important. Once again we had to return empty handed. This time Ariane is taking a nap. Azzy had probably just been to generous with the Zarosian wine. She wakes up and mentions something about the Heart of Gielinor, and having nothing better to do, Azzanadra, Ariane and I travel there to see what Helwyr and Greg are doing. Upon entering the former battlefield we are met by Helwyr and his wildlife protection team, who is accusing me of being a danger to the worlds very delicate ecosystem. Before I get the time to think up a clever comeback, Gregorovic comes running trough, and Helwyr follows him. Under the battlefield we find the eggs, and of course I have to observe them. After all, I am the most capable of understanding such ancient power... Azzy then leaves us to talk to Zaros. I don't like being left out, so I follow him.

Back at Kharid-Et, I find no one. I do however spot some memories that I somehow absorb. Hmm, it seems Trindine has kidnapped Owen, and is trying to persuade him into joining a millenia long undercover operation within the temple knights of Saradomin. But more importantly, THEY LEFT ME OUT! "You should travel to the places you and Trindine visited to find out what she really planed." Ariane has also followed me here. "Ariane, this is 2021, we have ComOrbs, I'll just call them, like any sane person would." A few calls later I have learned that Trindine likes to read about crowns. Maybe if i try to persuade Saradomin to lend me his crown again, I can draw her attention to me. Ariane tells me it's a stupid idea, in fact so stupid that she would love to see how it ends, so she follows me to Falador. We seem to have returned at a bad time, as Saradomin is busy inspecting his knights, so we decide to just wait until this ceremony is finished. As we wait for the incredibly slow Saradomin to finish inspectin every single knight, we hear the blow of a horn, and Azzanadra enters with a bunch of temple knights. I swear this man has the strangest of hobbies. Azzanadra takes the crown from Saradomin, Saradomin takes it back. There is an awkward silence filling the castleground, only broken by my biggest hero Zaros appearing. Zaros takes the crown again, and just leaves, followed by everyone loyal to him. This seems like my queue to also depart. I'm excited to rejoin my friends in Kharid-Et to celebrate our victory. Back at Kahrid-Et Zaros seems to ignore me completely before leaving again. I guess he is just a very busy man, he can't remember eveyone that helped bring him back. Azzy looks at me with a saddened but also annoyed look in his eyes. "The next time we meet, Haxorze, will be as enemies. We have arranged a friendly battle with Seren at your archeaology guild, where we are allowed to attack one barricade at a time. Goodbye." Surely, in this story of betrayal and shadowplay, he does not actually betray me? We're going to fight together until the end! "No, friend. The next time we meet, I will hug you."



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Lmao!!  A great narrative Hax (for some reason my quest wasn't half as much fun as yours).  Keep it up man, not many things give me a chuckle anymore but this did 😛

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  • 5 weeks later...
  • 3 weeks later...

You see this unfortunate guy? Well, that's me. (Editors note: Remember to add picture of me in an awkward situation inside Senntisten).
You might wonder how I ended up in the tought to be lost Senntisten. Don't worry, I'll get to that. Right after a word from our sponsor: The Beach!

Do you wish you could be outside in the scorching sun instead of playing runescape? Yeah, me neither. Why not go to Runescape's own summer beach? You can pick coconuts, build sandcastles, flex your pixelated muscles, or if you still haven't figured out how dungoneering works after 11 years; hide in a hole for hours upon hours, and more!. By participating in the various highly engaging activites you can expand your ever growing list of cosmetic costumes and pets. There is also a pvm boss encounter every hour, where you and everyone else fight a highly challenging... oh, its gone again? And if you're lucky, you might even run into me there. Probably not.

Ok, that was a stupid bit, back to my quest recap. This journey started by me kind of accidentaly stumbeling back into the desert where Ariene Grande was very happy to see that I was still alive. I'm not sure if you know this Ariane, but I have a deal with Death, yes THE Death, so I'm basically unkillable. I shrug it of as the desert heat making her perception a bit wonky. She tells me something about Zaros having tempered with a codex and now the eggs we found last time we met are beggining to hatch, but she has employed the help of Varrocks best and only librarian, who is also 50% of Gielinor's best and only private investigator duo. Ariane leeds me inside of the elder halls, where Carlos is waiting for us. The two of them ask me for tips on how to move the eggs away and drain them of energy. I give them several very good ideas, but they refuse all of them, as they would not bring the plot forward.

Our planning is however stopped as Azanadra teleports in. He looks a bit different though, I think he's got a new hat. Ariane and Charlie is not happy to see him, but he reasures them that he is there by his own will, as Zaros has left Gielinor after the battle of archaeology. Wasn't I also there? I don't remember Zaros leaving, but then again, I was asleep for most of it. He tells us that the elder gods will send TokHaar and other unknown forces to claim the eggs from us. I don't know what a TokHaar is, but I think maybe my lavafriends from Karamja could help us out. Also, I'm pretty sure we don't own the eggs at all, but whatever. Azzanadra suggests that we move the eggs to Senntisten, a very old city that no one has found yet, decpite the archeaology guild being right next to the entrance for over a year now. Having no other idea that has been approved by Ariane and Charles, we agree to this suggestion, and Azzanadra tells me to meet him at the guild he tried to sack a few months back. And then he just teleports without me. Starting to sense a pattern here...

At the guild, Azzanadra has dressed up as a homeless man, so I spent about a week to find him. When I finally figure out that he has been standing on a balcony looking at me awkwardly trying to ask people if they are Azzanadra in disguise, without saying anything to me. He talks to me as if it's only been moments since we left the eggs. Way to act like you have a god complex mister! Before he wil take me into the lost city he gives me a list of five gods he needs to help us. I don't think any of them likes me enough to willingly help me, but I might be able to convince Icthlarin by throwing him a bone. First on my list is Seren the tyrantqueen of Burthorpe, who i very, very reluctant to help me and Azzanadra try to complete what she has wanted to do for ages, but she ultimately agree because of her brother. I feel like I've skipped over something, but it's probably not important. Zamorak is already packing up his things to leave for Senntisten, and even offers to teleport me out so I can complete my mission, What a good guy he is aand I'm now north of Daemonheim, great! Saradmin doesn't want to join, but I tell him I will summon him with a bell until he agrees, so he does. Armadyl is still sitting at top of his tower, eyes locked on the position where Bandos sat years ago. As he has nothing better to do after having killed Bandos he is also in. That makes four down, and Icthlarin will definately also join. Well, he didn't. 

Returning to Azzanadra with the news, he tells me to meet him at Senntisten. I can' wait to explore an ancient city, believed to be lost forever. Sadly I have to, as the entrance is blocked by the archaeology skill. I swear Azzanadra probably reblocked the entreance out of boredom just to strech this story out. After having digged away the soil I reveal a magical barrier, powered by a the fact that archaeology is a new skill. I restore my way into the city and we enter a cathedral and I get some exposition about the place. Charmander teleports the eggs into the cathedral and I get tasked by finding some very dangerous wards hidden in the city. The city itself is also dangerous as shadows hurts me somehow, and I have to light my way trough the streets. 

I walk down the first set of stairs from the cathedral and enter the first house I can see. Inside I find the christmas ward, and holding the ward makes the shadows angry at me, so I run back to Azzanadra and give it to him. That was easy, I'll just have to do that three more times, and I'm done. Back in the city I find four gargoyles that fly out to different parts of the city to hide. I wonder why they are so affraid of me, I've even been known to own one at a time. After killing them all I grab the pollution ward and head back to Azzanadra. My next trip to the streets brings me to an old wine shop, where I pour some wines around some bottles until a door opens and an angry romanian vampyre tries to wine and dine me. He died of dehydration and I grab the wine ward. The last ward is hidden inside a house that laughs as I enter. Inside I find a book written by Sliske, and I open some drawers to loot before I take the darkness ward and return to Azzanadra for the last time. 

Inide the cathedral Seren, Zamorak, Saradomin and Armadyl has arrived and are having some friendly banter before Azzanadra tells them to start siphoning the eggs. As they do they make some comments on Azzanadra having ascended to godhood, but I'm sure they are just teasing him for his new hat. I stand around feeling very useful as I watch four gods draining power from some other gods. Luckily we get interupted by a hologram of Kerapac, of cource he has a CommOrb v3. I ask him to go away, but he can't because he is there to invade with his army. So here I stand, between gods and dragonkin on the brink of war, and all I want to do is to go home.


Remember to use code: Haxummer2021 for 30% more fun at the beach!

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  • 2 months later...

So, I've been absent again. But this time I do actually have a good excuse! You know, with the whole elder god invasion of Senntisten and all.

"But Haxorze, does your return mean they gave up?" I hear you say my loyal friends. Well of course not! But the last attempt from them doesn't allow me to go in crossbows blazing, and I instead have to hone my pacifist side by doing gathering skills. I won't lie, I'm about as good at labouring skills as a rock is at being a music genre; it all depends on the context of the situation. But now that I'm here, let me tell you all I know about the three first strikes from the old ones.

Jas and the strategic assault

The first action from the elders came as no surprise, I mean, Kerapac had already told us about it prior to the attack. But after having enslaved Kerapac again, she instructed him to bring her an army of dragonkins. And him being lazy took the only ones that he didn't have to talk to first. Enter the sleeping dragonkin, the Nodons. These highly technological clan of walking dragons has entered the battlefield north-west of the cathedral where my divine mercenaries reside, and they have brought cannons. 
Kerapac himself is waiting inside a colosseum, wich he has renovated with his elder artefacts. Luckily he has forgotten the mirror in his bathroom, so that makes fighting him a lot easier. So I just stroll in and kill him a few times. Luckily he has forgotten the mirror in his bathroom, so that makes fighting him a lot easier... Wait... So I just stroll in and kill him a few times. Luckily he has forgotten the mirror... Ok, that's it. You win Kerapac, I give up.

Wen and the sub-zero redemption arc

The second elder takes a much more chill approach. Indtead of a tactical advancement of forces, she just teleports a bunch of glacors to the southern parts of Senntisten, including a giant Arch-Glacor. Rumour has it she didn't even look them in the eyes as she brought them in, thats cold Wen! Azzanadra has tasked some of Gielinor's greatest magicians to help subdue this towering monstrosity and it's powers. I tell them I can take it on all by myself, because fortunately it's ice-olated on top of an aqueduct, and I'm bringing the heat. I'm fighting the thing tooth and hail, but it just keeps coming back angrier and angrier. That's an ice mechanic you got there. Well that's cool, I'm just gonna slip out of here and leave it to the wizards.

Bik and the possible Yu-Gi-Oh refrence

Before Bik played her hand, Seren decided to move some of the guards from Lumbridge and Varrock to the frontlines of the battlefield. That's a very clever idea Seren, let us bring in the men who are struggeling to fend of goblins and zombies to a war against gods. It went as good as one would assume, and they all died when Bik decided to revive an ancient fungal experiment that feeds and grows stronger on the dead. Meet Croesus, I have no idea what it really is, but I do know I can't fight it normally, because it requires gathering mushrooms and building statues. I'll just leave this to the skillers.

Ful and the TBD

Well I don't know, I'm not a time traveler, yet.


During all this warfare and bloodshed, the gods of Gielinor has been standing in the catherdral BIK-ering to eachother. No MAH-tter what, they JAS can't get along with eachother. WEN they stop being so FUL of themselves, we might have a shot at winning. Ok, I'll stop now.

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  • 5 weeks later...

How did I end up in this situation? This is worste than the time that lovely stranger told me I could get a silver crown next to my name in all legal documents if I gave him my identity and secret catchphrase. Why do I always have to do all the heavy lifting in this world?

"Get up human! Or are you also not worthy of facing me, TzKal Zuk? Bwahaha!"
"Fine... I'll crush you like I crushed Graardor!"
"I don't know how you managed to beat the Muscle, surely a creature of his strenght would not fall in a matter of seconds. But I'm a millenial! It takes more than a red colorscheme to beat me. Just ask Nex, and K'ril, and the original Jad, and Orikal... You get the point."

Ohh, my everything hurts... Get up lazy! Nice, the voices and/or Sliske in my head are also in this story. Please encourage me with your praises!

You're just lucky!
Have you considered retiring?
No one likes you!
We have noted good manners and maturity on your account. Would you like to get scammed?
You suck!

No! He Zuk! Time to end this one way or another. Good, my legs still works. At least I can fail while standing up.

"Do you really think you can save them?"
"Shut up Xau-Tak wannabe..."
"What's a Xau-Tak?"
"Hey, Mad Max called, they want their bad guy design back."
"What?! The Max in Varrock? You're speaking nonsense!"
"Hey, Zuk. Do me a favor. Don't cry when I win."
"Gaaah! I'll crush you like bug!"
"That would make you a bug abuser. Enjoy your two week vacation. Free of charge. Pain included."
"Say hi to Bandos for me!"


"Ho-how... You have defeated me with one single attack... Impossible! You are truely the strongest being in existance. Spare me mortal!"


Ok! I promise this is exactly how my encounter with Zuk went! Trust me, I would never lie to you.

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