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Haxorze and the descent into madness


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  • 4 months later...

Hello again! 

After a long deserved vacation from Gielinor, I was back with a vengance! Without hesitation I made my way over to my enabler, Laniakea.
We did our usual deal where she would point me in a general direction and give me an arbitrary number of specific creatures to kill. In return I would get some made up "points" that I could use to say no to some of her silly requests.

But this time was different. I was out for blood. No task would be to small, no creatures would feel the mercy of the mighty Haxorze, and his broad array of  special weapons and tactics. I blindly followed her every command, laying countless of mostly defenceless beasts to rest. During my genocide I was sent to a grove that someone missplaced. Probably on purpose, because here even a tree is able to kill you. But it was not trees I had my sights on, it was rather some small and annoying rock boys.


So anyways, I started blasting my magic. Over a hundered of them met their demise, until one of them dropped something. It was a small creature made of stone, but he looked nothing like the golems I had killed here. Curious, I picked him up from the ground. He was shaking with fear as he laid his eyes upon me. I asked him why he was there, hiding among a different species than what he seemed to be. Reluctantly he explained to me that he had to flee after his entire family of gargoyles were killed by some lunatic. I was shook. Who could do such a... OH.... OH GOD!

I carried the creature with me to the desert. On the way there he told me his name was Crabbe, and that he wished to explore the world with a renowned adventurer. I didn't say much for the entire journey. But as we arrived in the sandfilled wasteland, I brought him to the top of some cliffs. "Everything the light touches, can be yours to explore." I said calmly. As he gazed over the wast nothingnes I made a firm grip around my rock hammer. "A promise, is a promise..." I said before I gave it a desicive swing. "I'm sorry, kid".



Long story short: 
Don't make promises with Moridin!

On 5/26/2020 at 11:34 PM, Haxorze said:

My next victim of the destroy function will be Crabbe, the Harry Potter refrence pet, if I do recieve him before 150m slayer xp (Thanks Mori)


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Let me tell you the story of how I finally got my hands on the legendary Mining master cape. YES! I always planned to tell you this as a tale from my past, and it's not because I just forgot to update you. Don't judge me!


It was a cold and harsh November night in the year 2020. Not unlike this night, as I live in Norway and we only know how to make winter weather and salmon. I was sitting at my usual spot in the corner of The Blue Moon Inn wondering how I would steal the cape from the mining guild. My good pal, who would never view me as an enemy, Azzanadra called me up on my Com orb v2.

"Oi, Haxorze, whatcha doing?"
"Ah. you know, just planning a heist."
"Yo! You should totally come plan it over at my place! My Zaros isn't home."

Well, I could not turn down such an offer, so I hurried over to Azzanadra faster than I've ever hurried before. "We would need some help to pull this off." Azzanadra was leaning over the perfect drawing I had made of the mining guild. "We need a distraction and/or diversion. Someone they would not suspect to be doing foul play. Like another dwarf." I stood up. "Say no more my friend forever, I know a guy!"

The not so forgettable tale of a drunken dwarf

I had no idea where I would find my new recruit for the heist of a lifetime, but I figured out Keldagrim would be good place to start looking. About ten or so steps from Azzanadras place, I spotted something laying on the side of the road. Could it be? "Howdy there pal! Ye know what day it is?" The drunken dwarf looked up at me with an empty gaze. "No, I do not I'm affraid. But however, I do have an offer that you could possible refuse. I have a stack of 129 dwarven stouts in my bank wich can be yours if you help me break into the mining guild to steal some cloth. What do you say, Clark?" I streched out my hand to help him up from the ground. "Me name's not Clark!" He said and shook his head. "But I can't say nay to some fine ale. Count me in" Wow, doing heists are pretty easy! I followed Clarence back to Azzanadra to continue our planning. 

The muscle

"Alright, we got our distraction. But there will still be some guards that won't be drawn away by it. We need someone who can help you sneak past them." Azzanadra pointed at some random locations on my map. "It would have to be someone we know are able to sneak in undetected, but that also are capable of taking out any treats quickly if things go wrong. Preferably from range. We should also think of someone who is not bound by their loyalty to any of the gods present on Gielinor." Azzanadra was right! And I knew who! "This is someone you have encountered before. A former bandosian. Za..." "Graardor!" I interupted. "I'm sorry, what?" Azzanadra looked confused. "If I'm going to be in danger of getting compromised I'm bringing a 5 meter tall piece of pure muscle." "Fine.."
I called up Graardor on my Com orb. "Hello mr. General. I need your help to steal a cape. If you help me I promise to not try to kill you for at least 2 weeks." Graardor answered: "GRAAAAR". Nice! He was in!

Our way in

"Alright. All we need now is a way to get inside without drawing suspicion to ourselves. As you have showed a complete lack of critical thinking, Haxorze, I have decided to recruit our last member. He is a master salesman from the desert, Ali." Azzanadra said. "Wich Ali is it?" I asked. "The one who didn't change his name in February." As he said that a strange man walked in. "My plans simplicity is also it's beauty." He said. "I'm Ali Morrisane. Famous trader, and I'll help you enter the mining guild under the presumption that you are there to sell rare minerals. As Azzanadra and myself start to make our deal, our short friend will make a scene to draw the attention towards himself. At that point, Haxorze and his chosen companion will slip away and steal the treasure while we make up a coverstory for your sudden dissapearance." After Ali was done explaining the plan, I was now the proud owner of four buckets and a knife. "But to make it seem as legit as possible, we would need a rare minaral only you can get your hands on Haxorze. The currupted ore!" Ali looked at me. "Can you get that for us?"

The final piece of the puzzle

I was back in the elven city, and made my way over to Lady Trahaearn to ask if she had any corrupt ore I could get. "Oh sweetie, I can't just hand you the ore for free". I tried to explain to her that I was the one that reopened the city, saved the elves from some shadow and helped them put Seren back together. "Back in my day that was just a normal tuesday. Now stop bothering me with your silly requests". Fine, so I would just have to mine some ore myself. How hard could that be? I grabbed my pickaxe from the bank and started to swing it at the rocks. Whats this? Fireworks? Out of nowhere a handful of dwarves popped up and congratulated me on achieving the rank of master miner. They even offered to give me a cape for the low price of 120 thousand gold pieces. 

So there I stood. After having planned the greatest robbery known to man, all it took was some mining to get what I wanted. I feel robbed! I will find an excuse to steal from you one day dwarves!


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  • 3 weeks later...
  • 1 month later...

Hello again! Have you missed me? Please say yes...
What has happened in the eventful life of Haxorze recently, you might wonder. Well, worry no longer, let me tell you trough my prefered medium; very down to earth documentary styled recap.

After having spent a few months traveling the world of Gielinor punching wildlife, demons and demigods into submition using only my fist and alos powerfull weapons, i heard a faith buzzing from my backpack. It was my best friend in the entire world, Azzanadra, that was calling me on my ComOrb. With me having the attention span of a puppy, which in fact are very, very cute and fluffy. Especially when they are running around! Wait... Where was I? Oh, Azzanadra! To paraphrase what he said, he mention something about the mining guild, it having been months since I left, and I'm pretty sure I heard Graardor in the background. Weird that they are hanging together. Azzanadra said to come see him at Seren's grand castle in Burthorpe, as he needed my help, and he made sure to tell me that I owed him for something about a dwarf. I have no idea what he is talking about, but I'm not someone that leaves my best friend waiting, so i agreed!

At the council meeting Seren has held for over a year now, Azzy pulled me aside and told me story about some eggs and elderly gods. This has all the signs of a quest! And I bet Saradomin is part of it, as he has white hair, and therefor must be one of the elderly gods. Azzanadra told me to meet him at Freneskae, the worst vacation spot I have ever seen. There we traveled along the road to the old halls, or I traveled, whilst Azzanadra mockingly teleported around and just stood there waiting for me as I got hit by lightning over and over. I'm sure he has a logical explaination to why he couldn't teleport me as well, he would never want to hurt and/or betray me. Upon entering the halls of the old, we met no other than Ariane Grande. She told me about Xenia, who is also old. Hmm, the plot thickens! Or is she dead? I can't remember.

Azzy and Ariane told me to train my divination skill, and honestly, when else am I going to do it? Azzy gave me a blank observation and told me to make it not blank by collecting the memories of some gods. Easy as that I just did it, and handed it proudly over to my firend. He fumbled around with it for a few minutes, as Ariane constantly asked if he had tried to turn it off and on again. "How do you expect me to restart an ancient artefact?" His voice sounded annoyed, but also determined. Ariane grabbed the thing, and pushed the big power button on it's back. It's okay Azzy, I did not notice it either... Ariane had a vision, and stood there staring blankly into the wall for about 30 minutes. As she returned to us she looked scared beyond belief. "They.. They are going to destroy Gielinor!" She gasped for air. I'm so glad you are finally cathing on with literally everyone else, Ariane! This was a waste of our time, let's go do something fun!

Azzanadra and Ariane left me behind as they traveled to Kharid-Et to discuss things, and sent me to Falador to meet up with Trindine. Wait, did i forget to mention that Trindine is in this adventure, and I also forgot to mention who Trindine is? Long story short, she was trapped inside a vault for a very long time, and now she is not trapped, there we're all up to speed! Our mission was to steal Saradomins crown, but he was not home. So I found my old friend Owen, and peer pressured him into helping me ask everyone in the castle until they finally called big blue man back. Saradomin actually seemed happy to see me, weird... I told him that the world was in danger, that Seren was acting like a tyrant, somehow this involved some eggs, and that I wanted to lend his crown. He said no, the crown wasn't a tradable item, so we had to return to Kharid-Et empty handed.

Azzanadra was not pleased with my failure, so I blamed Trindine for it. He decied to send us out on yet another mission together, because surely out of the four of us, me and her are of course the pair with the best track record of getting things done together. We traveled to the hall of memories and I got to read Guthix diary, probably not important. Then to the city of the lavamen, who had an argument, probably not important. And lastly to the wizards tower, definately not important. Once again we had to return empty handed. This time Ariane is taking a nap. Azzy had probably just been to generous with the Zarosian wine. She wakes up and mentions something about the Heart of Gielinor, and having nothing better to do, Azzanadra, Ariane and I travel there to see what Helwyr and Greg are doing. Upon entering the former battlefield we are met by Helwyr and his wildlife protection team, who is accusing me of being a danger to the worlds very delicate ecosystem. Before I get the time to think up a clever comeback, Gregorovic comes running trough, and Helwyr follows him. Under the battlefield we find the eggs, and of course I have to observe them. After all, I am the most capable of understanding such ancient power... Azzy then leaves us to talk to Zaros. I don't like being left out, so I follow him.

Back at Kharid-Et, I find no one. I do however spot some memories that I somehow absorb. Hmm, it seems Trindine has kidnapped Owen, and is trying to persuade him into joining a millenia long undercover operation within the temple knights of Saradomin. But more importantly, THEY LEFT ME OUT! "You should travel to the places you and Trindine visited to find out what she really planed." Ariane has also followed me here. "Ariane, this is 2021, we have ComOrbs, I'll just call them, like any sane person would." A few calls later I have learned that Trindine likes to read about crowns. Maybe if i try to persuade Saradomin to lend me his crown again, I can draw her attention to me. Ariane tells me it's a stupid idea, in fact so stupid that she would love to see how it ends, so she follows me to Falador. We seem to have returned at a bad time, as Saradomin is busy inspecting his knights, so we decide to just wait until this ceremony is finished. As we wait for the incredibly slow Saradomin to finish inspectin every single knight, we hear the blow of a horn, and Azzanadra enters with a bunch of temple knights. I swear this man has the strangest of hobbies. Azzanadra takes the crown from Saradomin, Saradomin takes it back. There is an awkward silence filling the castleground, only broken by my biggest hero Zaros appearing. Zaros takes the crown again, and just leaves, followed by everyone loyal to him. This seems like my queue to also depart. I'm excited to rejoin my friends in Kharid-Et to celebrate our victory. Back at Kahrid-Et Zaros seems to ignore me completely before leaving again. I guess he is just a very busy man, he can't remember eveyone that helped bring him back. Azzy looks at me with a saddened but also annoyed look in his eyes. "The next time we meet, Haxorze, will be as enemies. We have arranged a friendly battle with Seren at your archeaology guild, where we are allowed to attack one barricade at a time. Goodbye." Surely, in this story of betrayal and shadowplay, he does not actually betray me? We're going to fight together until the end! "No, friend. The next time we meet, I will hug you."



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Lmao!!  A great narrative Hax (for some reason my quest wasn't half as much fun as yours).  Keep it up man, not many things give me a chuckle anymore but this did 😛

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  • 5 weeks later...
  • 3 weeks later...

You see this unfortunate guy? Well, that's me. (Editors note: Remember to add picture of me in an awkward situation inside Senntisten).
You might wonder how I ended up in the tought to be lost Senntisten. Don't worry, I'll get to that. Right after a word from our sponsor: The Beach!

Do you wish you could be outside in the scorching sun instead of playing runescape? Yeah, me neither. Why not go to Runescape's own summer beach? You can pick coconuts, build sandcastles, flex your pixelated muscles, or if you still haven't figured out how dungoneering works after 11 years; hide in a hole for hours upon hours, and more!. By participating in the various highly engaging activites you can expand your ever growing list of cosmetic costumes and pets. There is also a pvm boss encounter every hour, where you and everyone else fight a highly challenging... oh, its gone again? And if you're lucky, you might even run into me there. Probably not.

Ok, that was a stupid bit, back to my quest recap. This journey started by me kind of accidentaly stumbeling back into the desert where Ariene Grande was very happy to see that I was still alive. I'm not sure if you know this Ariane, but I have a deal with Death, yes THE Death, so I'm basically unkillable. I shrug it of as the desert heat making her perception a bit wonky. She tells me something about Zaros having tempered with a codex and now the eggs we found last time we met are beggining to hatch, but she has employed the help of Varrocks best and only librarian, who is also 50% of Gielinor's best and only private investigator duo. Ariane leeds me inside of the elder halls, where Carlos is waiting for us. The two of them ask me for tips on how to move the eggs away and drain them of energy. I give them several very good ideas, but they refuse all of them, as they would not bring the plot forward.

Our planning is however stopped as Azanadra teleports in. He looks a bit different though, I think he's got a new hat. Ariane and Charlie is not happy to see him, but he reasures them that he is there by his own will, as Zaros has left Gielinor after the battle of archaeology. Wasn't I also there? I don't remember Zaros leaving, but then again, I was asleep for most of it. He tells us that the elder gods will send TokHaar and other unknown forces to claim the eggs from us. I don't know what a TokHaar is, but I think maybe my lavafriends from Karamja could help us out. Also, I'm pretty sure we don't own the eggs at all, but whatever. Azzanadra suggests that we move the eggs to Senntisten, a very old city that no one has found yet, decpite the archeaology guild being right next to the entrance for over a year now. Having no other idea that has been approved by Ariane and Charles, we agree to this suggestion, and Azzanadra tells me to meet him at the guild he tried to sack a few months back. And then he just teleports without me. Starting to sense a pattern here...

At the guild, Azzanadra has dressed up as a homeless man, so I spent about a week to find him. When I finally figure out that he has been standing on a balcony looking at me awkwardly trying to ask people if they are Azzanadra in disguise, without saying anything to me. He talks to me as if it's only been moments since we left the eggs. Way to act like you have a god complex mister! Before he wil take me into the lost city he gives me a list of five gods he needs to help us. I don't think any of them likes me enough to willingly help me, but I might be able to convince Icthlarin by throwing him a bone. First on my list is Seren the tyrantqueen of Burthorpe, who i very, very reluctant to help me and Azzanadra try to complete what she has wanted to do for ages, but she ultimately agree because of her brother. I feel like I've skipped over something, but it's probably not important. Zamorak is already packing up his things to leave for Senntisten, and even offers to teleport me out so I can complete my mission, What a good guy he is aand I'm now north of Daemonheim, great! Saradmin doesn't want to join, but I tell him I will summon him with a bell until he agrees, so he does. Armadyl is still sitting at top of his tower, eyes locked on the position where Bandos sat years ago. As he has nothing better to do after having killed Bandos he is also in. That makes four down, and Icthlarin will definately also join. Well, he didn't. 

Returning to Azzanadra with the news, he tells me to meet him at Senntisten. I can' wait to explore an ancient city, believed to be lost forever. Sadly I have to, as the entrance is blocked by the archaeology skill. I swear Azzanadra probably reblocked the entreance out of boredom just to strech this story out. After having digged away the soil I reveal a magical barrier, powered by a the fact that archaeology is a new skill. I restore my way into the city and we enter a cathedral and I get some exposition about the place. Charmander teleports the eggs into the cathedral and I get tasked by finding some very dangerous wards hidden in the city. The city itself is also dangerous as shadows hurts me somehow, and I have to light my way trough the streets. 

I walk down the first set of stairs from the cathedral and enter the first house I can see. Inside I find the christmas ward, and holding the ward makes the shadows angry at me, so I run back to Azzanadra and give it to him. That was easy, I'll just have to do that three more times, and I'm done. Back in the city I find four gargoyles that fly out to different parts of the city to hide. I wonder why they are so affraid of me, I've even been known to own one at a time. After killing them all I grab the pollution ward and head back to Azzanadra. My next trip to the streets brings me to an old wine shop, where I pour some wines around some bottles until a door opens and an angry romanian vampyre tries to wine and dine me. He died of dehydration and I grab the wine ward. The last ward is hidden inside a house that laughs as I enter. Inside I find a book written by Sliske, and I open some drawers to loot before I take the darkness ward and return to Azzanadra for the last time. 

Inide the cathedral Seren, Zamorak, Saradomin and Armadyl has arrived and are having some friendly banter before Azzanadra tells them to start siphoning the eggs. As they do they make some comments on Azzanadra having ascended to godhood, but I'm sure they are just teasing him for his new hat. I stand around feeling very useful as I watch four gods draining power from some other gods. Luckily we get interupted by a hologram of Kerapac, of cource he has a CommOrb v3. I ask him to go away, but he can't because he is there to invade with his army. So here I stand, between gods and dragonkin on the brink of war, and all I want to do is to go home.


Remember to use code: Haxummer2021 for 30% more fun at the beach!

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  • 2 months later...

So, I've been absent again. But this time I do actually have a good excuse! You know, with the whole elder god invasion of Senntisten and all.

"But Haxorze, does your return mean they gave up?" I hear you say my loyal friends. Well of course not! But the last attempt from them doesn't allow me to go in crossbows blazing, and I instead have to hone my pacifist side by doing gathering skills. I won't lie, I'm about as good at labouring skills as a rock is at being a music genre; it all depends on the context of the situation. But now that I'm here, let me tell you all I know about the three first strikes from the old ones.

Jas and the strategic assault

The first action from the elders came as no surprise, I mean, Kerapac had already told us about it prior to the attack. But after having enslaved Kerapac again, she instructed him to bring her an army of dragonkins. And him being lazy took the only ones that he didn't have to talk to first. Enter the sleeping dragonkin, the Nodons. These highly technological clan of walking dragons has entered the battlefield north-west of the cathedral where my divine mercenaries reside, and they have brought cannons. 
Kerapac himself is waiting inside a colosseum, wich he has renovated with his elder artefacts. Luckily he has forgotten the mirror in his bathroom, so that makes fighting him a lot easier. So I just stroll in and kill him a few times. Luckily he has forgotten the mirror in his bathroom, so that makes fighting him a lot easier... Wait... So I just stroll in and kill him a few times. Luckily he has forgotten the mirror... Ok, that's it. You win Kerapac, I give up.

Wen and the sub-zero redemption arc

The second elder takes a much more chill approach. Indtead of a tactical advancement of forces, she just teleports a bunch of glacors to the southern parts of Senntisten, including a giant Arch-Glacor. Rumour has it she didn't even look them in the eyes as she brought them in, thats cold Wen! Azzanadra has tasked some of Gielinor's greatest magicians to help subdue this towering monstrosity and it's powers. I tell them I can take it on all by myself, because fortunately it's ice-olated on top of an aqueduct, and I'm bringing the heat. I'm fighting the thing tooth and hail, but it just keeps coming back angrier and angrier. That's an ice mechanic you got there. Well that's cool, I'm just gonna slip out of here and leave it to the wizards.

Bik and the possible Yu-Gi-Oh refrence

Before Bik played her hand, Seren decided to move some of the guards from Lumbridge and Varrock to the frontlines of the battlefield. That's a very clever idea Seren, let us bring in the men who are struggeling to fend of goblins and zombies to a war against gods. It went as good as one would assume, and they all died when Bik decided to revive an ancient fungal experiment that feeds and grows stronger on the dead. Meet Croesus, I have no idea what it really is, but I do know I can't fight it normally, because it requires gathering mushrooms and building statues. I'll just leave this to the skillers.

Ful and the TBD

Well I don't know, I'm not a time traveler, yet.


During all this warfare and bloodshed, the gods of Gielinor has been standing in the catherdral BIK-ering to eachother. No MAH-tter what, they JAS can't get along with eachother. WEN they stop being so FUL of themselves, we might have a shot at winning. Ok, I'll stop now.

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  • 5 weeks later...

How did I end up in this situation? This is worste than the time that lovely stranger told me I could get a silver crown next to my name in all legal documents if I gave him my identity and secret catchphrase. Why do I always have to do all the heavy lifting in this world?

"Get up human! Or are you also not worthy of facing me, TzKal Zuk? Bwahaha!"
"Fine... I'll crush you like I crushed Graardor!"
"I don't know how you managed to beat the Muscle, surely a creature of his strenght would not fall in a matter of seconds. But I'm a millenial! It takes more than a red colorscheme to beat me. Just ask Nex, and K'ril, and the original Jad, and Orikal... You get the point."

Ohh, my everything hurts... Get up lazy! Nice, the voices and/or Sliske in my head are also in this story. Please encourage me with your praises!

You're just lucky!
Have you considered retiring?
No one likes you!
We have noted good manners and maturity on your account. Would you like to get scammed?
You suck!

No! He Zuk! Time to end this one way or another. Good, my legs still works. At least I can fail while standing up.

"Do you really think you can save them?"
"Shut up Xau-Tak wannabe..."
"What's a Xau-Tak?"
"Hey, Mad Max called, they want their bad guy design back."
"What?! The Max in Varrock? You're speaking nonsense!"
"Hey, Zuk. Do me a favor. Don't cry when I win."
"Gaaah! I'll crush you like bug!"
"That would make you a bug abuser. Enjoy your two week vacation. Free of charge. Pain included."
"Say hi to Bandos for me!"


"Ho-how... You have defeated me with one single attack... Impossible! You are truely the strongest being in existance. Spare me mortal!"


Ok! I promise this is exactly how my encounter with Zuk went! Trust me, I would never lie to you.

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  • 1 year later...

Well well well, where has this handsome and popular man been for so long? In fact I have been on somewhat of a spiritual journey on another world called “Earth”. It is a very different place from Gielinor. Experience rates and leveling is slow, the graphics are very amazing, money making is tiresome and tedious and most combat is illegal. But enough about my boring adventures there, as you all might wonder why I, the renowned and very humble Haxorze, conqueror of continents, slayer of legendary and dangerous beasts, master of the fine arts, prince of miscellania and honorable reveler to the fremennik clans, master of the archeology guild, diplomat of the known kingdoms, envoy of Zaros and World Guardian, has returned to you in this time of need. To be honest, I was just feeling a little bored.


When I first returned to Gielinor I found myself in the Grand Exchange. I remember when they used to call me the wolf of Grand Exchange, but that is a story for another time. I walked over to my economic advisor Stefphen, and got told my bank was overfilled because I had lost my membership privileges due to inactivity. Rude, but fear not, I peer pressured my biggest idol Aaros into buying me a golden symbol to trade in for a few days of temporary benefits. I was finally back, and the very world trembled with anticipation of it.


First on my agenda was to check in on how the large scale invasion from the elder gods had fared. As the world was still worlding, I assumed the war was over and we had one. But to my surprise everything in the cathedral was still just like when I left. These powerful gods don't seem to be able to do anything if I'm not around. As soon as I got there Zamorak just decided he was bored after having been left there for almost two years, and he left. He is very quirky and not like the other gods. Him leaving leaves the eggs more vulnerable and obviously that's my problem now, and I have to fix it. I might need some help with this one, so maybe I should go to the duel arena to hire some very legit and trustworthy mercenaries to assist me. What do you mean the duel arena is no more? It exploded? And there is now an oasis there with crocodiles and scarabs? And some sort of artifact that Zamorak's son stole? That's why all this is happening? Fine, I’ll settle for whoever is available to assist I guess.


I head outside to get some fresh air. Outside Moia is waiting for me and hastily tells me that the city of Senntisten is under attack by TzekHaars. I call shenanigans, as I was just there and saw no one attacking anything, oh, she’s right, there they are. I politely tell them to go home, and Zuk decides to come up from his sewer hideout to get my autograph. Armadyl also wants one, so they start fighting each other. Perfect, I’ll just wait inside the cathedral with the blue man, the crystal tyrant and my bestest friend, Azzanadra. Saradomin is surprised that I'm hanging out with his daughter, Adrasteia, and so am I. Turns out Moia has followed me and brought a friend, thas just so happens to be the daughter of a god. It looks like it is bringing your child to church day.

As it turns out, every faction of the elder gods has decided to strike an attack at once. If only someone had dealt with them earlier… I go to the graveyard and put Croesus to sleep, melt the arch-glacor’s troops with the help of global warming and use a canon to blow up the entire western side of the city. As all this happens, Seren just takes the eggs and teleports away. Saradomin makes an excuse for not wanting to deal with her, and sends me to find her. If only I had someone who could help me. Why is Moia and Adrasteia looking at me with puppy eyes? Fiiiine, you can come with me, but we are also bringing the lizardman.


The first place we look for Seren is in some forsaken laboratory on dinosaur island. They have to smuggle me in, because my banishment is still not over. We talk to the mad scientist that lives in the lab, who also happens to be a clone of Kerapac. Wow, everyone is bringing their kids into this quest. He was of no use, but now he is also following us on our search. Very long hide and seek session made short: We use the world gate to travel to a crystal forest, Guthix’s summer cabin and dragon mountain. Every time Kerapac is also there due to time travel and plot reasons. We decide to go to Freneskae, the most obvious choice, and there Seren is. It’s always in the last place you look. We talk for a bit and I find out everyone is getting sick due to some portal from Erebus that acts like poison, but somehow I am immune. I bravely volunteer to enter the portal and after getting lost in a pocket dimension for what seems like forever I return to the exact same time I left from. Jas suddenly appears in front of us, but before she can ask for my autograph both Kerapac and some monstrosity from Erebus swoops in and they all die. It was an accident, I promise. 


We once again try to convince Seren that she should just give up, but she has gotten obsessed with the eggs and thinks they are her children. Hannibus the lizard briefly mentions his home planet, and Seren teleports there to hatch the eggs, destroy the planet and eventually the universe. Quest complete? Alright… I will follow her. We make our way to Iaia, convince all, well almost all, of the people there to leave, and I decide to battle Seren. We are so equally matched that she just gives up and decides to hatch the eggs, dooming the entire world we are on. I hurry over to the exit portal. And in a very shocking twist that no one would ever foresee, Moia decides to destroy the portal leaving me behind to die. I somehow survive, don’t ask me how, I have no idea, and I don’t care. Seren also survives, and she very willingly (I promise) to stay behind on the barren planet as I head back to Gielinor to get my rewards. 


This is just the start of my recent adventures, and I will continue to update you with my very precise and accurate retellings of them. In the next episode we will see if we can discover why Zamorak left, and also why nobody did anything while I was gone.

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I am so looking forward to be doing this quest, it seems like a very good quest!

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Continuing from last time's endeavors, as I returned to the other in the cathedral to share the news of me saving everyone, again. Instead of getting praises from the remaining gods, I get questioned about why I have left Seren, a seemingly deranged goddess of imminent strength alone with three young eldergods, of even more strength, alone on an unknown planet without any supervision. I remind them that Seren is a grown woman, and should be capable of taking care of herself. Upset with my critical thinking, in a moment where I should probably have died or worse, Armadyl just leaves to sit atop his tower and feel bad for himself. Saradomin is also not happy with the recent events, and takes his daughter with him back to Falador to do nothing.


After finally being able to go wherever I feel like, I decide to take a stroll around Senntisten. When I walk out the door to return to the surface I am stopped by a white knight that tells me they have been ambushed by some demons sent by Zamorak. I reluctantly agree to help him, and go back into the city, only to find it different than it was literally five seconds ago. I find some blood, and follow it around for the strangest treasure trail I’ve ever done. Hopefully this is a rewarding one. At the end of the trail of blood I meet a dragonkin having a date with my favorite clown, Gregory. “How lovely it is to be with you again Erasinus.” the dragonkin remarks joyfully. I tell her that my name is Haxorze, and the spasming man next to her is named Gregor, the dancer of Sliske. She comes to the conclusion that Greg must be suffering from a mental disorder. Curious to see where this goes I agree to meet them in the Senntisten asylum, a place I have totally never been in before, I promise!


When we get there some creatures from the Abyss capture us and bring them to their three leaders. I don't remember their names, so I’ll call them Sam, Ben and Zolglidor to make it easier. They tell me something about why they are there, and what they are, but I am too confused to pay attention to what they say. They send me on a random mission to find a cure for Grob, and I walk around the asylum and pick up and mix random items together in hope that it works. I give them the potion I have made, and they all turn into their true forms. This has been quite a weird day, and it gets weirder when the dragonkin-lady tells me something about Dagon, the archeological demon. 


I head back to Faldor to ask Saradomin if he can do this one for me, but he just waved me off and demands that I go check out what’s going on in Zamorak’s dig site. When I get there, I steal some clothes, as mine are pretty dirty from all the hard work I’ve had to do, and I dress up as a zamorakian cultist. After about four minutes I just decided to make up a story and return to Saradomin to hopefully have him leave me alone for a while.


As I return to Saradomin’s throne room, I realize I’m not the only one there, as Saradomin is having a discussion with Garlandia. I remember her, she is the atheist woman that still denies gods exist even if she is interacting with them. Before they can say anything interesting, Bilrach comes and demands Saradomin to surrender to Zamorak’s very serious invasion. Saradomin doesn’t manage to come up with a good excuse not to surrender, so he tells me to banish ALL gods from Gielinor. A bit intense, but if it saves me from having to do silly little chores for divine, magical and overpowered people, then I’m all for it.


Having no idea how to banish the gods, I decided to go hang out in the garden Seren built that one time, for some reason. There I met with the story-loving snake; Juna, Harold J. Death,  and their friends. In a stroke of pure luck and not because someone told me to go here, I learned that these ragtag bunch of individuals are able to help me banish the gods. Why we haven't done this a long time ago is beyond me, but whatever. I will however lose my title as World Guardian, a small price to pay for being left alone if you ask me.


We decide to spend some more time together, and we take a daytrip to the lost grove to play some Wordle in Solak’s house, because he is on vacation. After having beaten everyone in the game, I decide to tell Saradomin that I agree with his plan to banish every god, and he sets up a meeting with Armadyl, Azzanadra and Icthlarin in our very secret skyfort. Armadyl agrees to the plan, Saradomin and Azzanadra also agree after a little while, but Icthlarin doesn’t care, because he is just a demigod and won't be affected. I don’t even know why he is here at all. As I make my way home, the voices in my head start to sing me a goodbye song, believing they are also gods that will be banished by my very well planned plan. How cute of them to believe they will ever leave me.


Next time marks the very awesome confrontation with Zamorak, the aftermath of our plan, and maybe some other funny and very exciting stuff that HOPEFULLY does not include any gods at all.

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So, let’s do some meta things here. I’m now speaking out of character just for a little update. Most of the content I’m reciting is, as you know, quite old, and I have done it a long time ago. But I took a long break from the game and such to work on myself. Don’t get too stressed now, I am doing fine, haha. But that is also the reason that my updates are slow, despite me having everything done. And it’s also an excuse for me if you feel like my quality as of late has been less than usual. Just take care of yourselves, you are all lovely people, and that’s what’s important! Ok, enough bullshit, let’s get Haxorze back on track with his adventures!


The Guardians of Guthix has helped me to figure out how to pass a very specific immigration law that only affects gods. I don’t know why I chose to trust them, as they are clearly not very good at the one job they had. But at this point I am just so very tired and pretty much willing to try any idea they throw at me. “You have to go to the undercity that Zamorak and his followers had the time to set up while we played Wordle.” Well that’s easy for you to say mr. Death, as it will be me going in alone, and you can sit in your silly office and pretend to do work. And why is Zamorak’s base in Australia anyway?


One very long flight to Australia later, I learned that the undercity is in Senntisten. Thanks for letting me know sooner. I hope my detour hasn’t given him time to do what he planned to do. Eventually I return to Senntisten and find the very secret hideout Zamorak has taken. It’s just like the normal Senntisten, just even further underground. Well this should not take too long I guess.


I totally don’t get lost in the undercity for several hours, as I somehow manage to walk into every hidden sidepath and deadend in the ENTIRE place. The first location of notice is a jailhouse where I meet Muffin, the jailer. He gives me a very nice tour of his mostly empty jail as he teleports around to every floor as we have a friendly fight. I might have taken the fight too far, and now he is dead. I mean, he fell in an accident and landed on top of 92 bolts that were on the floor. Oops.


Anyways, I keep heading deeper into the city, until I come across some wizards doing their yoga routine. I save them all from potentially getting injured by making them cease to exist, and their yoga master Etarna get’s upset as she is paid by the hour. In a totally reasonable and not exaggerated response she calls in her bodyguards, who happen to be demons, and also she throws a lot of bombs on the floor. Luckily I have mastered the art of not exploding, and I talk my way out of it by threatening to go to court with Ali the trader as my lawyer. I do wonder what this big glowing ball of energy does though, so I decide to touch it.


Suddenly I get teleported to the inside of the wilderness crater. You mean I could have skipped the entire trek through the city, and just went straight to the wilderness? Zamorak is also here, but he is simply just ignoring me. To get his attention, I put his 6 backup dancers to sleep before I challenge him to a game of EXTREME WORDLE ™. The game is long, mostly because Zamorak is trying to cheat by teleporting me to Infernus to have a dance off with a demon. After about 15 minutes I figured out the word is “behave”, and just as I wrote the last letter, our immigration law passed and Zamorak got deported. I better go tell the other gods as soon as I can.


I first visited Saradomin in Falador. He quickly appoints his daughter as the new leader of the saradominists, and then leaves. Clearly there was not a single other being in your ranks that would have been more suited to lead an army than your librarian daugther. I better go check on my best friend Azzanadra. He is currently having a meeting with Nex, Trindine and Wahisietel. I think my invite got lost in the mail somewhere. Nex leaves for Freneskae, and the other two just do whatever they want. Then Azzanadra leaves. I might as well also check in on Armadyl while I’m at it. Armadyl tells me regrets not having spent the last moments at some old farm in the wilderness, and then leaves to recruit an army of elves and avianses for some reason.


This has been quite a day, and I look forward to going back to living my normal life without the gods constantly asking me to do their chores. Join me next time to see where Gielinor’s story finally goes, free from all the struggles and wars the gods and their factions have caused. 

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Now that this world finally is free from the influence of the gods, I can take some time to relax and do the things I want to do. Hmm. All these choices make it very difficult to decide on what to do. If only someone, preferably an all-powerful divine being, could appear out of nowhere and tell me. Oh, my ComOrb is ringing.


“Hello Haxorze, it’s me Adrasteia, leader of the saradomininsts. I need your help to investigate and possibly stop the zamorakians from trying to take over the world. Come meet me in Falador.”

“¡No soy Haxorze! Soy Fuente de Hackeo. No hablo ingles.”

“That literally translates to ‘hack source’... I read the entire dictionary of every language.”

“Fine, I’ll be there soon.”


In Falador, Adrasteia is talking to a character who is totally not in disguise, named Anne Dimitri. They tell me I have to go into the very welcoming region of THE WILDERNESS to investigate the zamorakians plans. Yes, send me into the wild and lawless north, where everyone can attack me for my precious items. They assure me that with the passing of the immigration law, they also managed to pass a law that made killing each other in THE WILDERNESS illegal, unless both parties are in agreement. Alright then, I’ll go, but I’m taking Anne with me as a distraction.


Anne is quick to discover some invisible tracks as soon as we get to our destination. It leads to an abandoned Warbands camp. “It’s weird how the camp has just been abandoned, let's look around” Anne tells me, and then just stands there, doing nothing. I try to argue that it’s probably because the Warbands DnD is not active at the moment. After having run around touching everything I see, Anne just tells me a story about how Moia, my new nemesis, was there and fought like a bunch of humans and demons and such. 


Continuing on with our investigation we end up at another random location in THE WILDERNESS, where Anne tells me to look around for clues as she does nothing of value. After some time she tells me another story about Moia and Bilrach talking about some demons having attacked their forces in a chaotic temple, and that Moia got angry and killed them all. I’m starting to think Anne is either making all this up, or she was actually there, making our whole investigation pointless. We move on to the next location, that is in a crater. The first thing we notice is a massive rift that Anne is certain is made by Moia. However she is using a two-factor authenticator, and possibly a VPN, so we can't open it. Anne decides this is the time to tell me another story, and makes up something about Moia absorbing the soul of one of the twin furies.


After the story, Anne just opens the portal, before telling me she is Trindine in disguise. Yeah, nice try Anne, but Trindine is actually not a human, but a mahjarrat. Therefore I do not believe you. We enter the portal, meet Moia, MY NEMESIS, before Moia leaves cackling about taking over the world. Anne thinks we have done enough investigation, so we just go back to Falador to report our findings. Adrasteia tells me she does not have another quest released yet, so I will have to wait for a little bit.


It seems like the plot is thickening, and maybe next time we will get the answers to the questions that are on everyone's minds. What do the zamorakians want? Why do they seem to be fighting among themselves? Why is Haxorze’s journal skipping over a lot of important details? (IT’S NOT! SHUT UP) If you fill a glass of water full, and drink half, is it half full or half empty, and what is the difference? Was the dress white and gold or black and blue?

Find out next time!

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Hack source cracked me up fr tho

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After having somehow unveiled a sinister plot from the zamorakians to start a civil war for some reason, where I promise I helped a lot, and that it was not only Gielinor’s third best investigator Anne Dimitri that for some reason knew every delicate little detail of their plan. Why are they starting a civil war anyway? Shouldn’t the lack of a ruler make them band more together to stand stronger against every other faction? I honestly don’t get paid enough to care about it. I don’t get paid at all? Well then! I’m going to sit this one out. I get closer to reclaiming my competent cape that I will never really get back due to me being lazy? Say no more! I’m in!


Supreme leader Adrasteia sends me a message and tells me to meet with Anne Dimitri in the wilderness to continue our very secret investigation. Anne, master of disguises and being subtle explains that she is not undercover as a zamorakian salesperson, but that she keeps the same name she always has. That’s genius! No one will expect someone with the same name as a saradominist fluteplayer to be conducting fraud. Yes, yes, I will tell you everything about our very important mission as musicians later, I PROOOOMISE!


Anne tells me that in order for her to remember things, I have to kill a few ravaging demons in the wilderness crater. I don’t understand it, but it sounds plausible. So I head over there and kill a few… 144 demons laid to rest later, I return. She tells me how Hazelnut, Zamorak’s offspring, someone I assume is the first necromancer called Zemouregal and a Mahjarette is waiting for Bilrach. He shows up with his friends that he met at a convention for people with very hairy and animalistic interests. They all agree to go to war with the vampires, and thats all Anne remembers, even if she was never there.


Suddenly Anne remembers that she has also set up secret hidden cameras around wilderness, and that we should prank some people. Before I get to tell her that this is an excellent use of our very delicate time, she tells me to find her favorite camera because some imp and a dungoneering creature stole it to film their analog horror movie. Sounds easy, I just tell the thieves that if they dont return it to me, someone who never owned the camera in the first place, I will write very bad reviews about their movie. And just like that I am now the owner of a camera, and Anne tells me her review on the movie they had made. Something about Vengance and murder. Probably not important.


Next step of our plan involves Anne telling me to just fix the climate in the entire wilderness. I tell her I am much better at breaking the environment than I am at fixing it. She asks if I have talked to the druids in the desert. I lie, and tell her that of course I have spoken to the druids, and she remembers a funny story about Moia, MY NEMESIS, fighting the other fury, threaten to kill her twin and they become friends. Seems like a likely story if you ask me. Moia is very good at making friends. Anne and I discuss that this must mean that Bilrach is close to attacking the not wilderness, and I return to Adrasteia to tell her what I found out.

“Well investigated Haxorze, my hero!” Adrasteia’s voice is filled with awe over my accomplishments. “Fear not, damsell in distress, I will soon have saved the world for the 57th time, no need to thank me. Yet.” I lean against the wall in her throneroom looking mighty handsome. “Next mission I will accompany you on your search. It will be an honor to see someone as good, and badass as you at work.” She looks very intrigued by the very thought. “Ahh, young lady, there is no need. My methods are known to be quite… dangerous.” I give her a wink as my words leave my mouth. “But Haxorze, hero of the universe, we don’t have time to do that right now, but in your next marvelous and totally canon chapter we will finally get to the bottom of this.”

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Ah, dear readers, let me regale you with yet another tale from the delightfully chaotic life of Haxorze. As I ventured through the bustling streets of Varrock, a sense of mild tranquility washed over me. Little did I know that my day off from cosmic conundrums was about to take a wild turn.


Imagine my surprise when I found myself inadvertently stumbling upon a rather heated debate in the Grand Exchange. Two merchants, eyes blazing with financial fervor, were locked in a dispute over the price of... cabbage, of all things. Never one to shy away from a potential spectacle, I couldn't help but get involved. Armed with my dubious negotiation skills and a knack for unintentionally complicating matters, I became the unwitting mediator in their absurd cabbage kerfuffle. The situation escalated, and, well, let's just say that somewhere along the way, an unfortunate mishap involving a wayward cart led to the untimely demise of some poor soul. Whoops, my bad.


After extricating myself from that literal cabbage calamity, I found myself drawn to Lumbridge's tranquil courtyard. Little did I know that tranquility was in short supply, thanks to a monumental showdown among squirrels. These furry daredevils were vying for supremacy in the "Epic Nut of Legends" competition. The stakes were high, and the crowd was abuzz with anticipation. Me, being the self-proclaimed accidental hero, couldn't resist joining the fray. It all started innocently enough—some friendly acorn tossing, a hint of rivalry, and before I knew it, a catapult was involved, and the town square resembled a nut-filled warzone. The laughter that ensued was infectious, though the poor bard whose lute bore the brunt of my misguided enthusiasm might not have been amused.


Now, let's address the elephant in the room—or rather, the dance circle. I've never been one to voluntarily step into the limelight, but when an enigmatic wanderer promised the location of a legendary treasure if I showcased my dance moves, well, let's just say I was game. Twirls, spins, and what can only be described as an interpretive dance interpretation of a chicken crossing a road—it was all part of my grand performance. The crowd cheered and jeered, and my dance moves shall forever live in the annals of Lumbridge's history.


And just when I thought my day couldn't possibly become any more peculiar, fate had one final surprise in store. My leisurely stroll led me to a serene glade, where I encountered none other than K'ril Tsutsaroth, the fearsome demon commander. It's not every day you come face-to-face with a demon hell-bent on destruction, but there I was, inadvertently embroiled in a chaotic dance of steel and sorcery. My combat strategy? Well, it was a mixture of flailing, dodging, and a couple of well-timed tripping incidents. Miraculously, after an encounter that can only be described as both bewildering and bizarre, I emerged victorious—bruised, battered, and bearing an inexplicable craving for pickled onions.


So, my dear friends, that's how my "ordinary" day off unfolded. From cabbage controversies to nutty competitions and a run-in with a demon lord, there's never a dull moment in the life of Haxorze. And while I might not always intend to set the world spinning in unpredictable directions, one thing's for certain: chaos is my constant companion, and even the simplest of days can turn into the most outlandish adventures. Until fate decides to throw another curveball my way, this is Haxorze, signing off with a twirl and a flourish—well, more like a stumble and a tumble, but you get the idea.

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  • 3 weeks later...

Alright, let's just talk about the mammoth in the room. I have no idea what this last chapter is. I was just minding my own business in Priff, when some random person with a colored papercrown came up to me and offered me a special service. As the gremlin I am, I of course accepted the offer instantly. All he asked for was my first born son in return, but jokes on him, I don’t even think I have one. Anyways, he produced something looking like a very handsome and well known man from thin air, and told me it was something he stole from Kerapac’s needle, and that it would learn to behave just like me and do tasks for me if I didn't want to do them myself. I think he called it something like TalkGPT. The short version is that he stole my life for a few weeks, and posed as me on the forums. The long version is pretty much the same as the short version, just longer.


Now that we are all up to speed, and no one is confused because my last paragraph made total sense in the canonicity of my stories, we can move on to the next step in my very important adventures. As we found out last time, Adrasteia has insisted on accompanying me on my next quest, so I decide to use her as bait when I clear out the Zamorakian undercity. The first part of this ELITE DUNGEON is pretty easy, as it seems most of the monsters inside have left and moved on with their lives. But when we arrive at the prison, she insists that this must be a place we search for clues. I don’t know what she expects to find here, but I agree with her plan. 

“Hmm, this man seems to have died here recently… And the cause of death might be linked to this pile of bolts laying on the floor next to him.” She stands over a somewhat familiar figure. Might it be? Muffin?? I quickly reassure her that Zamorak was insane and there is NOTHING more to find here, EVER, and that we should instead look in Menaphos, because of books. She loves books!


In Menaphos we make our way over to the grand library to look for, I don’t even remember anymore. Needless to say, we get hushed on a lot, because Adrasteia has a thing for yelling every single title of every single book she sees. And there are a lot of books. After about 30 minutes we get kicked out of the library, due to disturbing the other visitors. As we were the only two visitors to have visited the library in years, I have to agree. She was very, very annoying. “I’ve heard rumors that my uncle Oreb is working in the city as a magister, maybe we should visit him while we are here?” First of all, that's a silly idea. Secondly, let’s see where this goes. Oreb is not home, so we just look through his stuff until she decides she wants me to teach her how to runecraft soul runes. I have no idea how to do that, but I just take her over to the soul altar and make some stuff up. “I have a theory! Vengeance!" I stop her to tell her that’s a statement, not a theory, before she continues. “Vengeance killed my uncle Oreb, in an effort to learn about these soul runes. But hey, that’s just a theory. A QUEST THEORY!” I think this adventure has made her mad. So I forced her to return to Falador with me.


In Falador we meet with my most trusted ally, Anne Dimitri. Anne tells us that some dude called Bilrach has decided to recruit people in the mage arena in the far far north. Adrasteia decides we should sign up for the army, because what else are we supposed to do at this point. We stand no chance to win this war, and I honestly never even picked a side. I make us some very convincing armors and we move over to get recruited. There I get asked some questions on how I am a good soldier. I ask them honestly, and they refuse me to join. So I just talk to the recruiter again and answer however they want me to. Can’t believe that even worked. Now that I am recruited, they try to kill me to death, and call it training. I kill everyone, get sent to stand guard over some very powerful machine, and maybe accidentally make the machine unstable. Well, I quit anyway. War is not for me. I have to convince the bloodthirsty and insane Adrasteia to also join me back to Falador to rally the saradominist troops.


“I should hold a speech, and maybe also a song!” Adrasteia doesn’t seem to have landed from her insanity just yet, but I decide it’s best to just let her do what she wants to. Maybe her people will see that she is not fit to rule and elect someone else to usurp her. “Gather EVERYONE who lives in the city outside the castle.” I try to excuse myself, as I don’t live in the city, but I get shut down pretty fast. “No, you will stand awkwardly behind me to my left, as Zilyana stands next to you. It shows we are strong.” Yeah, sure, but after this I want to go home, and never return.


During her ceremony she starts to speak to the people of Falador. The gathering is pretty small, but so is the city, so it’s probably okay. I’m sure these 30-ish people can stand up against a full scale invasion. I don’t pay much attention to her speech, because I am way too busy trying to get Zilyana to not be upset with me for that time I punched her a million times just to get an amulet, and then jokingly called myself “the finesse of the icyene.” Now she is singing. Why is she singing? Is it over soon? Can I go home now? I’m sure something very important and loreheavy is happening somewhere in the world right at this moment. I do wonder what Moia is doing at this time. Well. i guess I’ll never know.


And that concludes the first couple of adventures of my returning days. Next time I will try to buy some land. I think that is well deserved, as I am somewhat of a big deal around here. Maybe I’ll ask Roald if he can maybe give me something. He owes me that much at least.


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  • 6 months later...

It's your lucky day! I have not one, but two fresh new chapters for you today! (No it's not because I forgot to post the first one before finishing the last one, shut up!)


Alright, I know. I have been away for waaay too long, again. Sorry, not sorry. Turns out that building a whole fort actually takes some time. Who would have guessed? Yes, of course my loyal followers, I will tell you the tale of how I, Haxorze, became a duke of my own land.


It all started when I visited King Roald in Varrock to ask him one small favor. “As you see PEASANT, I am very busy doing kingly stuff, like standing at the end of the board, only being allowed to move one tile at a time, while I send my pawns to their deaths.” Roald tells me while facing the wall. “Well, mr. King. I’m here to ask you about maybe getting a small little hut in the mountains. I think I deserve some rest after all I have done for yours and every other kingdom in the entire world.” He thinks for a moment, before he walks across the room and just faces the other wall. “I can't." We are out of planks after some zombies attacked the lumberyard.” He sounds mildly disinterested in our conversation. I ask if there are other ways to maybe acquire some planks, but he shoots down that thought instantly. "HAHAHAHA!" Like what? Maybe you think some flying fremmeniks that lives on an island shaped after a celestial body has the ability to just turn logs into planks using some secret school of magic? Your fantasies are delusional!” To be fair, he’s got a point… That would be way too silly if it was true. “Tell you what!" If you travel just outside the city, and clear out the zombies that are in the lumberyard, I will allow you to build ANYTHING you want.


So, I made my way over to the lumberyard, or rather where the lumberyard used to be, and killed the few undead that are just standing there. “AY, ye seved me! Thenks strenga. Me name’s Bill, but ye cen cell me Bill!” The former owner of the yard crawls out from behind some rubble and brushes off some dust from his apron. “Alright William, I am sent here by the man that lives in the castle just west of here.” I point to the castle just to our west, where Roald is waving at us from a window. “TELL HIM TO OPEN UP HIS LUMBERYARD AGAIN, I NEED PLANKS TO BUILD A NEW TABLE!” I can hear Roald yelling at us. “Ahh, the keng ye mean! I dent leik hem. Elweys essking ferr plenks” Suddenly I get a very good idea. “Willy, I suddenly got a very good idea! If you open up your lumberyard, we can build a wall around it and claim it as our own kingdom. Then we sell your planks to Varrock for a very good profit. I get rich, and you get to keep your job.” “FREEKKING BRELLEANT!” His face lights up with excitement. “All ye need te do, es te breng me meny plenks frem defferent trees, end a mountens werth eff lemestens.” Our plan was foolproof, which is a good thing, because I have a feeling this man is some sort of a fool.


It takes me days to gather all the resources, but after I finally bring the last things we need, we waste no time to start building the foundations of our walls. Our new foundations if you will, hehe. The entire time as we build I can spot Roald watching us, and I think he is writing us letters to stop what we are doing. Luckily we haven't built a mailbox yet, so none of them get delivered to us. After the walls are done, we start to plan a main hall and a workshop for Bill to stand in. “Billy, I’ve looked over the building plans for the main hall, and I noticed that you forgot to add a kitchen, amongst other vital things.” “I ferget!? I dednt ferget a theng! Ketchens ere ferr pertehs. We well belld wen when we errenge a perteh!” I mean, I cannot argue with the man's logic.


After several weeks of me building and him just standing there screaming at me, we also built a church and a room house with a map. We also hired a lunatic to be a priest and a random tribal person to look at our maps. We were finally done! My very own kingdom. Bill looks at me with a tear forming in his eye. “we shell errenge a perteh! Ye well envite semm vereh empertent peeple. Bet ferrst, we need te belld a ketchen!”


Too be continued. Unfortunately…


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It was time. We had officially claimed the lands formerly known as the lumberyard and made it our own, very legal, kingdom (now with a kitchen included). To celebrate this glorious and well deserved treat to my long and eventful career, we decided to hold a party. “Ayy, I heff te tell ye. I dent relly heff mech expre’ence weth pertehs. We sheld ferce semwen thet hess a bet mere skell weth ett. A bettler!” Silly Billy patted me on my shoulder as we looked at our empty kitchen. “Bet dent ye werreh, I heff elreddy meid centect weth Errdegen, end recreted a yeng ledeh, err mebeh e ledd, i wesnt sheer.” A few moments later the doors to my fort opened and a young person eagerly walked in. “Ahh, excuse me, my name is Aster, Aster with an A…” She said as she reached out for a handshake, a high-five and a fistbump at the same time. “Hew else weld ye spell Essster.” I heard Bell mumble to himself. “I am here to be you super duper expert butler, together we will make Forinthry great again!” I told them I didn't know what a Forinthry was, but I’m sure we could be of good help in running Haxorzistan to greatness. “Hmm, yes, I think we will just call it Forinthry, that’s what Bill wrote in the application.


We spent the next few days planning out a grand party to make a good impression on our neighboring rulers and other important people. “The invitation list is complete. We will have to invite Roald and his wife Queen Ellamaria, due to a law he passed that he is to be invited to every fancy party within render distance. We also invited Duke Hoarse from Edgeville and his fiance, only so they could bring along their dog. Ohh, I do love dogs. Also there is Iris and Duchess Alba, because we had more seats. And I think Roald will bring his wine taster, Simon, but he doesn’t really need to eat.” Aster seemed very eager to get started with the party. “In the kitchen I also hired some random lady called Bianca, to make and serve out food.” Everything seemed to be in order, and it didn’t take long before our guests had arrived. “I noticed you didn’t have a mailbox, so I brought you one.” Roald said as some of his servants placed a fancy box in front of my gate. “I also took the liberty to fill it with some letters I wrote for you.” 


We made our way into the main hall, where the table had been set with some very bland food. Everyone took a seat and we started to mingle. During the conversation, Duke Hoarse makes constant remarks at how bad and ugly my kingdom is. “I don’t even know how you managed to build something so, well, boring… It looks almost like it was built by two people who have no experience in building forts. Haha!" I tried to defend myself by stating it was in fact built by two people with limited expertise, but he just started coughing mockingly. Suddenly, as if someone flipped a switch in my head, I stabbed him five times in the gut from under the table. The guests all (except for Hoarse) gasped in shock as Duke Hoarse fell backwards on his chair filling the floor with blood. “Someone killed my fiance!” Rodney, Hoarse’s fiance bursted out. “It appears he has been stabbed!” Oh no! How was I going to get myself out of this conundrum?


Before I managed to come up with anything to say, Billiam bursted into the room. “Ayyy, ett leks leik semwen hes peisened hem! Ess I heff red meneh beeks en me leif I em shere ett wess de BETLER!” I looked over at Aster, who looked just as shocked as everyone else. I could not throw them under the carriage like this. I stood up and cleared my throat. “No, this couldn't have been Aster. I also suspected they were up to something, so I have been watching them all night. This is not the work of my butler, but rather…” I took a deep breath. “It was done by my butler’s SISTER.” Aster looked confused. “Uhhm, I don't have a sis…” “That’s correct!” I interrupted. “Bianca, tonight's chef, is the long lost sister of Aster, and she came here with one purpose. To kill Hoarse, who got engaged to the man she met at chef training, and that she  loves, Rodney! She poisoned his food with a very rare and specific poison that makes the victim look like they got stabbed five times with a dagger from under the table!” Everyone looked at me in disbelief for a while, before Roald spoke up. “I have never heard of this poison before. But in a land where gods are real, I’m not surprised anymore. Guards! Take care of Bianca. This party is over.” 


And there you have it, my first ever royal party had gone flawlessly. The guests went back to their homes, except for Rodney, who during the confusion decided to stay at my fort to be a chef. “Thank you very much for covering for me Willy, I don’t know how I would get out of that one if you hadn’t intervened.” I gave him a firm handshake. “Ehh, I dent knew whet ye meen…” He said with a confused look on his face. I’m glad he is so good at acting to protect me. But I’m sure it would be wise for me to hire some muscle in case something like this happens again. Well, that’s for another time I guess.

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